Counting Your Blessings
by KJaneway115
Summary: Kathryn Janeway ponders the meaning of family at Christmastime. A little bit of Christmas fluff.


_A/N: This story assumes that _Voyager _returned to the A__lpha Quadrant on December 23, 2377._

_**Counting Your Blessings**  
_

**Christmas, 2376**

Christmas was bittersweet. It was a reminder of everything she couldn't have. Kathryn Janeway had chosen a life in Starfleet with her eyes open. She had known that it meant not always being able to be home for the holidays, missing out on important moments with family when everyone else was together, putting her personal life second to her career. She had known that it might mean no marriage or no children. And given the opportunity, she'd make the same choices all over again. But none of that knowledge stopped the ache that began in her heart every year on Christmas, the yearning that grew stronger each year she was separated from her family, each year her crew was stranded so far from home and hearth. A three-minute conversation over subspace was hardly a substitute for real time spent together.

When she and Phoebe had been children, Christmas had been filled with magic. Their mother had always made sure of that. On Christmas Eve, they'd had a big party, with Janeway aunts, uncles and cousins coming from as far away as Mars to join in the festivities. Every year, Kathryn and Phoebe picked out brand new party dresses for the occasion, and she had many happy memories of their house filled with chatter and noise, the smells of ham and mulled wine coming from the kitchen, one of her cousins playing Christmas carols on the piano. But her happiest Christmas memories were of Christmas morning, when it was just the four Janeways.

She and Phoebe awoke at the crack of dawn, eager to run downstairs and see what Santa Claus had brought them. They would put on their warm robes and slippers and rush down the stairs, giggling and whispering to each other, trying not to wake their parents. When they emerged into the living room, each girl would find her Christmas stocking stuffed with toys and candy, and alongside it would be one large gift for each of them, something they really wanted. When they were very young, they had always received a new doll - a beautiful one complete with an entire wardrobe of clothing. As Kathryn got older, she often received scientific equipment or models. But no matter what gifts they received, nothing could surpass the miracle of coming into the living room to find gifts that had been brought by magic in the dead of night.

Gretchen always made sure that both her daughters felt the true spirit of the Christmas season. Even years when Edward was off on some mission, Gretchen managed to make Christmas special for her girls. Never having been religious, Gretchen Janeway made Christmas a holiday about family and love, giving to those in need and sharing the magic of the season with everyone. If they had a friend or neighbor who had no place to go on Christmas Eve, that person would always be invited to the Janeway farm. It was this spirit of the season which had resonated with Kathryn, and which she still tried to keep alive, even on Voyager.

When Neelix had discovered Christmas their first year in the Delta Quadrant, he had insisted on giving a big party, which had quickly become an annual tradition. The Voyager Christmas party was a potluck event, and everyone brought one of their own favorite holiday dishes. Those who hadn't grown up celebrating Christmas quickly learned to enjoy it as a time to be together and count their blessings. Even in lean years, when there weren't enough replicator rations to go around, Neelix somehow managed to make the Christmas party festive and created surprisingly tasty dishes from whatever grew in the airponics bay.

The captain always made an appearance at the Christmas party, and this year, their seventh Christmas in the Delta Quadrant, would be no exception. She smoothed the black skirt over her hips and adjusted her red sweater. She checked her computer terminal and smiled. Every year, she provided a small gift for every member of the crew. Some years it was something tangible, like a plate of caramel brownies; other years, it was extra replicator rations deposited automatically in everyone's account. This year, she had received special dispensation from Starfleet to use a whole month's data stream for messages for the crew from their families. At the press of a button, the messages would be delivered. Every crew member would have a message from family or friends waiting for them when they returned home from the party. That would provide a little Christmas magic for everyone.

As she walked through the corridors, humming idly, she let her mind drift back to the first Christmas on Voyager. Neelix had come to her and mentioned that some of the crew had been talking about Christmas. "I think it's the perfect opportunity for a party, Captain," he had suggested nervously, obviously thinking she would not agree.

"I think that's a wonderful idea, Neelix," she had said instead. "It will give the crew a chance to get to know each other in a more social setting. Christmas is a holiday that many humans, both Maquis and Starfleet, have in common." So Neelix had gone to work at setting up the party, and the captain had made sure that everyone had at least a half hour off duty so they could attend.

In the end, everyone made an appearance, even Tuvok, who had needed some persuasion from the captain. "We need to recognize that we are more than just a crew," she had told the Vulcan. "We are the closest thing we have to family out here. Christmas is a time to count our blessings and celebrate what we have." As she thought back on it now, Kathryn realized how optimistic she had been at that time, and wondered if that was something she had lost along the way. The Delta Quadrant had turned out to be far more hazardous than she had expected, and it often seemed that every day was fraught with peril. Her step through the corridor quickened. That was precisely the reason that celebrating Christmas together was so important.

Neelix had outdone himself that first year. The mess hall had been lavishly decorated and the buffet table had been overflowing with traditional holiday dishes from all over the quadrant. He had even moved some of the tables aside to create a dance floor. And that was where her most cherished Delta Quadrant Christmas tradition had begun.

The first year, it had been a gesture of friendship, of trust, and a show for the crew - proof that they really were one crew, that there were no divisions between Maquis and Starfleet. "Care to dance, Commander?" she had asked, offering her hand.

Chakotay, who had been seated off to one side, watching the dance floor with barely veiled amusement, had looked up in surprise. "Captain?"

She had smiled, her eyes sparkling. "May I have this dance?"

Chakotay had looked a little uncomfortable, and Kathryn chuckled as she remembered the uneasy expression on his face. "I'm not sure my dancing skills are up to par," had been his response.

"That's all right. I'll lead." Then he had laughed and assented. He tentatively placed one hand on her waist and took her other hand in his. It was the first time he had ever touched her so intimately, but after the first few awkward steps, they fell into a comfortable rhythm. By the following year, he had even learned to lead.

As the captain exited the turbolift and headed toward the mess hall, she smiled to herself. Her yearly dance with Chakotay had definitely become one of her fondest Christmas memories. Each year, the experience changed a little, as their friendship deepened. Some years their relationship was strained, some years they were under tremendous stress, but, always, Christmas was a time when they could come together, find common ground, and count their blessings.

**Christmas, 2378**

It didn't feel like Christmas. Kathryn looked at herself in the mirror. The velvet forest green dress suited her well, although she thought it might look better on her if she lost a few pounds. She had gained a little weight in the year since Voyager's return - too many banquets and welcome home celebrations. She pulled on her coat and walked out the door.

The streets were lined with greenery and twinkling lights, and most of the shops bore signs on the door: Closed for Christmas. The smell of pine filled the air, a remnant of the Christmas trees that had been for sale on the sidewalk until the night before, and the sound of jingling bells echoed through the streets. But it still didn't feel like Christmas. Phoebe had just had a baby, and Gretchen had gone to Lavinius III, where Phoebe and her family lived, to help with the newborn. Kathryn had been unable to get away from Starfleet, and much as she wanted to be with her family, she was in San Francisco, alone.

The previous year, Christmas had passed without notice in the midst of Voyager's homecoming. There had been a Christmas party in the mess hall, she had heard, but she had been in the midst of meetings with various admirals, defending seven years of command decisions and ensuring freedom and safety for every member of her crew. For Kathryn, Christmas had come when she had found herself in the arms of her family. They had even had a second Christmas just for her, to make up for all the years she had missed, her mother had said. This year, her family was far away, and the melancholy that sometimes touched her at the holidays threatened to overwhelm her. Fortunately, the Voyager Christmas party was a tradition that continued. Tom and Harry had rented out a banquet room in a San Francisco hotel and invited the crew along with their family and friends.

By the time Kathryn arrived, the party was in full swing. The room was tastefully decorated with tinsel and lights, and a large Christmas tree adorned one corner of the room. She made her way around the hall, greeting each member of her former crew. She had met many of their families before, but some she was introduced to for the first time. She had a long conversation with Harry Kim's mother and congratulated Ken Dalby on his recent marriage. After she had greeted everyone, she hung back to observe them.

The Doctor had gathered a rapt audience and was giving a brief narration of his upcoming holonovel. Several other crew members sat in one corner, drinking wine and holding plates piled high with luscious dishes. There were two new babies that had been added to the family in the past year, and three marriages. Several couples were entwined in each other's arms on the dance floor, swaying gently to the music.

At one table, Tom and B'Elanna sat with Miral, now a year old. She watched as Tom fed his daughter little pieces of food, and B'Elanna wiped Miral's chin. She never would have imagined that those two uncertain, angry young people would have, seven years later, gotten married and started a family. But they had. Against all odds, they had managed it, and they were happy. She marveled that such a thing was even possible as she watched the couple care for their daughter. They seemed to create a bubble of love and safety. She watched as Owen Paris joined them, picking up his granddaughter and swinging her around, and she felt a pang of jealousy. They seemed to have something that she didn't understand and would never have - a deep connection to each other, something that was formed through multiple generations - something that was fostered between a couple when they had a child. Family.

The bittersweet taste of Christmas that she had felt so often returned to her mouth. She had no regrets about the life she had chosen and was filled with gratitude at having accomplished her mission and brought her crew home. But a part of her longed to have her own family, to be part of a cocoon of safety and love like the one she witnessed around Tom and B'Elanna.

"Dance with me, Kathryn?"

The soft voice in her ear startled her and she whirled around. "Chakotay! I didn't know you were here."

He smiled. "I haven't missed a Voyager Christmas in nine years. What makes you think I would miss one now?"

"I thought you were out on a mission."

Chakotay, now a Starfleet captain, had been running advanced tactical maneuvers near the Neutral Zone and she hadn't seen him for several months. "We just made orbit this morning."

She pulled him into a quick hug. "I'm glad you could make it."

"You never answered my question. May I have this dance, Admiral?" She smiled and gave him her hand as he led her to the dance floor. So unlike the first dance they had shared all those years ago, his arm was sure and strong around her waist, and her hand felt safe and secure in his. He led with confidence now, his dancing skills much improved over the years. "You looked like you were about a million light years away just then," he said softly.

She blinked and tightened her hand in his. "I was just thinking."

"About?"

"Family."

He nodded, as if that were explanation enough, and she thought she felt his arm tighten around her a little more. "Speaking of family, where's yours?"

"My sister just had a baby, her second. My mom went to Lavinius to help her, but I couldn't get away."

"So you're here alone?"

"I'm afraid so."

"What a coincidence. So am I." His relationship with Seven had ended several months earlier when she had taken a position at the Daystrom Institute. A long distance relationship was not a productive use of their time, she had said, and at that point, he had found himself agreeing.

"How's life in the captain's chair?"

"Oh you know how it is," he replied with a wink. "Long hours, no sleep, the burden of responsibility on your shoulders."

She laughed. "You love it."

He nodded. "I do." He paused. "I've missed you, though."

She looked up into his deep brown eyes. "I've missed you, too."

The song ended, but Chakotay didn't remove his hand from Kathryn's waist. Instead, he said, "How about another dance?"

They danced together for most of the night, taking time out to speak to members of their crew or sample the delectable buffet. Two hours later, as they sat with Tom, B'Elanna and Miral, Kathryn realized that the melancholy that had threatened to overwhelm her was gone. As Miral showed off the new words she had learned to say, and her parents beamed with pride, Kathryn reached over and took Chakotay's hand. He smiled and leaned over to kiss her cheek. Tom and B'Elanna exchanged a knowing glance and winked at each other.

When the party had ended, and everyone else had gone home, Janeway and Chakotay stood alone in the darkened banquet hall, lit only by the soft glow of twinkling lights from the gigantic Christmas tree. "Merry Christmas, Kathryn," Chakotay whispered.

She turned into his arms and looked up at him, shadows dancing on his face in the dim light. She ran one hand through his hair and guided his lips to hers. The kiss was soft and sweet and full of magic. "Merry Christmas, Chakotay."

**Christmas, 2380**

"Did Santa come?" Phoebe asked her eldest, Matthew, as she emerged into the living room of the old Janeway farmhouse on Christmas morning.

"Yes!" the three year old exclaimed in excitement. "Look, Mommy!" Matthew held up a toy starship. "It's just like Aunt Katie's ships."

"Wow," said Phoebe as her husband, Pete, entered the room carrying Ella, their one year old. "Did you show Aunt Katie?"

Matthew waddled over to where his aunt was sitting and showed her the starship. "Look, Aunt Katie!"

"I see! Why don't you show your uncle?"

"Uncle Kotay! Look at my starship!" Chakotay took the toy from the child and showed him that if he pressed a button on the top, the ship lit up and made noises. The three year old squealed in delight and then ran back to his stocking to see what else was inside. Gretchen watched her grandson with delight as he discovered a chocolate Santa and an orange at the bottom of his Christmas stocking.

"Did Santa come for you, Katie?" Phoebe asked with a mischievous grin.

Kathryn looked at her mother's smiling face, down into the dark brown eyes of the baby that was bundled in her arms, and then back to her sister. "Oh, yes, Phoebs. Santa came this year." Kathryn snuggled closer into her husbands strong, protective arms, and as he ran his hand over their daughter's soft head, she felt a blanket of love and contentment settle over her. This was her family, and this Christmas, she had too many blessings to count.


End file.
